There Are No 'Curvy' Women, And No 'Skinny' Women...

...but there are women.

My relationship with Cosmopolitan is how I imagine most women feel about their mothers. You love them and their readily available font of wisdom earned through years of experience; occasionally you value their honest opinion which no one else could offer and survive. Quite often, however, you wish that instead of tactlessly delivering 'constructive criticism', they would just stop talking and let you wear what you want. Today I had a small apoplectic fit. Unfortunately, I was home alone and had no one to share my outrage with. Hurrah for the internet.

I am an incongruously avid Cosmo reader. My loathing for 'fashion' (ponchos were the worst. Thank god that trend went and died quietly in a corner) and the student bank balance which forbids me from even entertaining the thought of buying the shiny things within its hallowed pages make it a thoroughly redundant read. But I'm a visual magpie, and I want to look at pretty things. What I do not want, and I'd say it's on a par with how much I don't want, say, AIDs, is to be told that I'm not a size 8 and should therefore feel a bit cheeky thumbing through the Beauty Bible For Fun Fearless Females with my size 12 sausage fingers.

Let me direct you to the source of my current indignation; nay, ire; nay, extreme irrational anger. August 2011. Rihanna's on the front, looking all sexy. Good for her. To the left of her toned stomach is the headline:

'Shakin' that ass! Hot pants, minis and skinny jeans curvy girls were born to wear'.

Heaven forfend - could it be?! A whole NINE pages of a 230 page magazine entirely dedicated to the vast majority of Cosmo's British readership. Nine! Good gracious, do stop spoiling us. The photoshoot is entitled ' YES YOU CAN: Sexy size 14 and first-time model, Lily shows you how to work your curves in this season's staples...' It's quite the relief, as I for one was getting worried I wouldn't be able to suit my hips to my summer wardrobe. Helpfully, Cosmo begins each tagline for Lily's various outfits with 'YES YOU CAN...wear a...'.
Example: 'YES YOU CAN...wear a strapless jumpsuit. Look for built-in support, and add a contrasting, waist-cinching belt.' CINCH that waist, ladies, and cinch it hard. (For the record, no one looks good in a jumpsuit. If you're not in nursery, please stop wearing it. Now.) My personal favourite, however, is 'YES YOU CAN...rock a pair of hot pants'. Gee, really?? Thank goodness I can throw out that ankle-length woollen skirt I've been wearing since May and crack out my legs with Cosmo's permission. And who knew that I CAN wear '...sheer off-the-shoulder smocks. Just add in a fantastic shapewear bandeau body dress to keep you in control'. Well, my breasts are wont to get drunk and dance on tables when I take them out in off-the-shoulder smocks and don't tell them to behave.





Perhaps the most tactless part of the article (and there were many points competing for the Number One spot) is its situation within the magazine. Spokeswoman for The Curvy Women of Britain, Lily with her hips, is juxta-posed with whippet-thin Jessica Lowndes, star of the next photo-spread. Not for Jessica the patronising reassurance that she can pull off the outfits she's pictured in, oh no. Jessica's taglines include 'Taking a stroll down Portobello Road in ASOS', and 'Chatting with a busker in French Connection'. Moral of the story; naturally (and fashionably) skinny girls get to look cool in London, whilst I get to give my wobbly bits a severe talking to when they get out of hand under my smock.


Don't misunderstand me - Jessica Lowndes is beautiful, and she looks gorgeous in all the pictures. But we shouldn't be expected to express surprise that size 14 Lily looks just as beautiful. And no, I will never look good in a floral maxi-dress  like Miss Lowndes, because I'm 5'4" and would look like I'd gotten confused about the function of a camping tent. But I'm willing to bet my size 12 ass I could give her a run for her money in my denim hot pants.